Perinatal Loss 6: Delivery Day!
Delivery day arrived! We had planned to have a private birth with just Todd and I. Instead, we welcomed my entire family into the delivery room; we didn’t know IF she would ever even take a breath. We wanted to make sure that they didn’t miss it if she did. The induction was hard because, by this point, I was so physically sick myself. We also knew the stress on her little body with each contraction may cause her heart beat to cease forever. We held our breath between each beat hoping she would come out and greet us. Even if it was only for a moment.
I labored in a large OR suite with many medical staff present (not my choice, but it was very monumental for a baby with Potter’s Sequence to make it to term). In addition, it allowed the medical staff to try and monitor my possible reactions to the labor and intervene with medical support if necessary to save me. She continued to make it through each contraction, as the hours progressed we were amazed at the little fighter we were carrying. After 16 hours..it was time to push. Her heart was still beating out a slow but steady beat. As we saw her head with a huge patch of reddish black hair, we cheered. The moments were so bittersweet, knowing that her birth would also mean her death.
When she finally came out..she shocked us all, our OB gasped.. “It’s a BOY!” Oh my heavens, so many ultrasounds and such a surprise! And he was double all their predictions..at a whopping 2 and a half pounds! He was amazing. It was truly more than we had ever hoped for. He took his first gulp of air as the Neonatologist looked him over. The Neonatologist was wonderful; she cried as she told us she really didn’t know how he made it through the delivery and she confirmed that there was very little they could do for him. They could intubate him and take him to the NICU, but that would only buy him an hour or two and he wouldn’t be with us. So we decided to hold him, love him, dress him and say good-bye. We laughed and cried as we put him into his beautiful baptismal gown. The poor little guy just needed to be strong in his manhood as he lay in his handmade white dress! We took snips of his downy soft hair and made footprints into clay, so we would forever have memories to cherish. We took dozens of pictures and bathed his beautiful hair. The priest came in to baptize him with a beautiful seashell we kept. And we chose his name: Teddy.. We played the song for him that would forever become.. “his song” in our minds: ‘Blessed’ by Elton John.
The nurse would come in from time to time and let us listen to his heartbeat as it got softer and slower. Teddy’s breathing got shallower as a half hour passed and somewhere around 45 minutes he slipped silently away. We continued to hold him for a long time and rock him in our arms. After another hour, the nurse told us that at some point we could let them know, and she would come in and take him.. Although I had been strong through the pregnancy I knew that I would never be able to give him away the last time..so Todd was able to take him when I was ready, let me kiss him one last time and bring him out to the desk where they placed him in a beautiful white wicker bassinet. That was the last time we saw his darling little face..but the memories we have remain with us always. We were discharged the next day and planned the funeral for the day after that. We learned that infants can’t be embalmed so you must bury them very quickly. We rushed to plan the service, print the programs and get ready for the funeral. We were endlessly touched by the community; the funeral home that covered all of the charges, community ladies who made the entire funeral lunch, the local copy place made all of his birth announcements and funeral programs for free, the photography store that printed all of his pictures, with enlargements for free and the 75 people who came to his funeral to celebrate his short but amazing life. The funeral was very hard, my milk came in on the drive to the funeral, which, besides being painful, was a sad reminder that my body was ready for a baby to care for and love. We played his song at the funeral, the weeping was so loud at one point that you couldn’t hear the words..
Blessed
Hey you, you’re a child in my head
You haven’t walked yet
Your first words have yet to be said
But I swear you’ll be blessed
I know you’re still just a dream
your eyes might be green
Or the bluest that I’ve ever seen
Anyway you’ll be blessed
And you, you’ll be blessed
You’ll have the best
I promise you that
I’ll pick a star from the sky
Pull your name from a hat
I promise you that, promise you that, promise you that
You’ll be blessed
I need you before I’m too old
To have and to hold
To walk with you and watch you grow
And know that you’re blessed