Perinatal Loss: Those 3 Magic Words!
As the new year began we scheduled my surgery and set up the necessary pre-op physical. I will never forget the day of my pre-op physical. Todd had come to the appointment with me, as he had for most of my doctor’s visits in the 3 long years. As the nurse was preparing routine tests for me, she explained that one of the things they must do is have me complete a urine pregnancy test, to make sure I wasn’t pregnant. I began to cry, thinking how horribly ironic. I told her..that we had recently learned that there was no way that I could be pregnant. But she said that they must follow protocol, so I peed in the cup, depressed by the total irony my life had become. . I was so grateful that Todd was there in the room waiting to hold me so I wouldn’t feel alone. The next morning we got a call from our OB. We needed to come in for more tests, today if possible. Back we went on our lunch breaks and were brought back into a clinic room where Cheryl was waiting for us(thank goodness it was a doctor who we trusted and had a long standing relationship with. Knowing our history she was able to guide us through the next few moments.) “Please don’t get too excited, but your urine came back very faint..but it appears that you might be pregnant!” Todd and I sat in stunned silence. “But I thought that couldn’t happen!” “What do you mean?” Was our shared responce. “Be patient, we need to confirm, don’t get too excited, it might be wrong,” all came rushing back at us. They would draw blood today and then again in 24 hours to determine if I was truly pregnant and if the pregnancy was maintained. At that time in our lives those 2 days were the longest we had ever gone through. Wondering, waiting, hoping but trying not to get our hopes up. Talking, planning, dreaming and then crying in sorrow that there might not be a baby, possibly never. I was nauseated all of the time. I believe it was stress but dreamed it was a sign of hope. Hope is a scary thing, when it is a small light, in a world of darkness, you worry that by clinging to it your need will snuff it out. You try to look away from the light. You hate the light, but need it with all of your heart. Hope is the only thing that can bring light back into your world.
48 hours later we returned the call to our doctor. We listened to our doctor say the two words that would forever change our lives: “You are Pregnant!”