Our days took on a deeper meaning from the moment we learned that our darling little one would not live outside the womb. The clock seemed to slow down and all of the little daily tasks washed away so that only the here and now floated to the surface of our days. I returned to working full time, even though I was clearly pregnant, and I knew that I was carrying a child that would never experience life, beyond the one she had each day tucked below my heart. Many of my co-workers struggled with our decision and didn’t keep it a secret that I should not have continued to carry the baby especially with the many risks to my own health.
We had a few strong supporters though, one of which was our OB. After watching our struggle for years to have this little one, and then seeing how brutal the pregnancy was treating my system, she was amazed to learn of our decision. She met with us a few days after my discharge, and she sat us down to tell us the entire group of physicians at her clinic cheered our decision. She told us we wouldn’t need to see any of the other partners. They felt it was a priority for her to be our main care practitioner. They agreed to work together to allow her time to be always available to us, and we could have an ultrasound at any time. If we ever wanted to just see the baby, watch her move, or get a photo of her growth, they were happy to have me come in and share in those precious moments. She had reviewed the information from the hospital visit and assured us that she concurred with the findings and believed based upon the congestive heart failure, that our days would be few.
Each time I felt her little feet flutter, I would wonder if it would be the last time. Yet days passed with gentle movements, and nights were spent with my husband’s hand pressed up against my stomach trying to experience any and all of our little one’s life. We picked out a name for her: Alyssabeth Rose. I continued to spend hours each day talking with her, reading stories and putting earphones on her stomach as Todd told me which songs she needed to hear. The weather began to warm and we knew that these would become the memories that we would cling to for years to come. We began to listen to the song; These are the Days, by Van Morrison and dance each evening. Oftentimes Alyssabeth would gently kick as we swayed to the music. She was just like her Daddy; A music lover at heart.
As we passed the second week after the devastating news, and she continued to move each day, our OB decided to redo the Level Two ultrasound and see what was happening inside. We were all shocked when it revealed no congestive heart failure. She still had only a few tablespoons of amniotic fluid in a pocket around her mouth, but it seemed to be enough to keep her able to move and lubricate her lungs enough to continue with the practice breathing that all babies do in utero. It was a small miracle that seemed to be buying us precious time. This summer was ours to cherish..
These are the days of the endless summer
These are the days, the time is now
There is no past, only future
There is only here, only now
These are the days of the endless summer
These are days of the endless dancing and the
Long walks on the summer night
These are the days of the true romancing
When I’m holding you oh, so tight
These are the days by the sparkling river
His timely grace and our treasured find
This is the love of the one great magician
Turned water into wine
These are the days now that we must savor
And we must enjoy as we can
These are the days that will last forever
You’ve got to hold them in your heart.
~Van Morrison
Weeks turned into a month and one month became two. I continued to suffer from pancreatitis and had bleeding ulcers through my stomach and small intestines. I continued to throw up many times a week, but by some miracle I gained some weight and began to look more and more pregnant which was such a blessing for us to experience. We tried to remain hopeful, yet realistic. We believed the doctors enough to know that time was short, but prayed that we would make it through the whole pregnancy and desperately wanted to hold her when she was born. We made a birth plan with our OB and met with a Neonatologist who would be on-call for the delivery to check if she was born alive and tell us what they could do to provide comfort and support her life.