Celebrations of Life
For Families with Perinatal Loss
It is so important to acknowledge and celebrate the precious life that you shared- if only for a glimpse. I was once told that humans have 3 lives here on earth:
The First Life:
begins in the moments your parents began to hope for you, to carry you safe under your mother’s heart.
The Second Life:
is the time that a person walks the world until you pass into…
The Final Life
The time you remain alive through the sharing of your memory amongst those who love you and still remain here on earth.
Your Spirit:
doesn’t finally leave the earth until the very last person who knows your story either dies themselves or stops sharing it.
So in essence, everyone has the power to keep the flame of someone’s legacy alive and burning by simply sharing their story. What an amazing gift. The irony of this gift is: it is as powerful and purposeful for your life and healing as it is for theirs! So here are some simple yet profound ways that we have found to celebrate the memory of a beautiful little one~ Pick and choose~ one may speak more to your heart than another. Oftentimes just the process of gathering the memories and creating a place of honor for them is healing
Teddy’s Bear: A copyrighted memorial keepsake created as a memorial of memories by the hospital, birth center or funeral home.
To Learn More
Hold a Naming Ceremony: This can look like a million different things..
- A ceremony of just the two of you going to a beach or a river and writing the name onto a piece of drift wood or tree birch and floating it down the river..
- A memorial service. A time where a few family members read poems, share songs or feelings. It may incorporate the traditions of your religion, including any of the parts of a funeral.
- You may choose to have your ceremony be a celebration of life: with pictures and music appropriate for an infant.
- We chose to draw upon a Jewish custom and on the anniversary of our son’s death, we unveiled the completed headstone on his grave. We included just immediate family members and we had each person bring a message to our son and something that his life had taught them over the years of reflection since his passing. It was nice closure and a wonderful way to be at the gravesite but not in a sad way, more in an uplifting way.
- You may choose a more symbolic option; consisting of etching the baby's name into a piece of glass that a large candle sits on and ceremonially lighting the candle. This could be the candle you use later on that you light on your child’s birthdays or for special occasions.
Other Keepsake Options
- Create a Keepsake Box: If your hospital did not have Teddy’s Bear as a memorial option you can still honor your child’s memories
- Some hospitals now put together a small box or envelop for families when they are discharged. That is a great starting point.
- I also have a sample one available HERE that you can create yourself. It contains all you need for ideas of things to gather. It works the best if you can have it at the time of birth..but that isn’t necessary.
- Boxes can be anything that touches your heart and honors your child’s memory:
- Jewelry boxes
- A small toy chest
- A shadow box
- A sports container
- A decorative lunch box
- A large glass vase
- A painted wood box you buy at craft stores
- Things to include
- Your child’s name, written or printed on nice paper
- Birthdate
- A photo
- Footprints or Handprints
- Their hospital bracelet
- Their hospital blanket
- A special outfit you bought for them
- A small stuffed animal or something from their nursery
- Boxes can be anything that touches your heart and honors your child’s memory:
- A Remembrance Candle..I have seen many variations on this..all beautiful in their own way.
- Some people choose to use the candle from their wedding ceremony and light it in honor of the love that created their precious little one
- Some people chose to include this lighted candle in each of their family pictures as a symbol of their little one for years to come.
- Some people use their baby’s baptismal candle, if they have one and light it each year on their birthday and sing as a family.
- A Remembrance Capsule. This is a variation of the Keepsake box. For some families they were given very little to bury and feel that they really need the closure of a burial. So some families find it very healing to gather a few keepsakes and have each person in the family write a private letter to their little one..sharing their dreams for their life and their feelings of grief at the loss. Then they go to a place of quiet peace and deep meaning for them and bury the box/capsule. This is a nice way for even the littlest family members to feel involved if they can draw a picture or create a piece of art that can be buried alongside everyone’s gifts to the baby.
- A Memorial Scrapbook. Creating this keepsake can also be very healing for families. Many times, in years to come you will be glad you took the time to gather it all together so you can revisit pieces of the journey as the years go by. You can include:
- Memories of how you found out you were pregnant
- Any special mementos of telling people your news
- Ultrasound pictures
- Pictures of the nursery
- Cards or notes received when you discovered you were pregnant
- Mementos from the things you did or the holidays you celebrated while you were pregnant
- Any planning that you did while you waited for their arrival
- Your birth plan
- A listing of the names you thought of using
- A narrative of your journey through pregnancy
- Mementos from the hospital stay
- Cards you got during the stay
- Any keepsakes from a funeral or memorial service
- Photos
- Planting a tree or shrub to honor your child and to create an area in your yard to sit and reflect with him or her. Depending upon the climate where you live, I have found that most people enjoy plants that are flowering, so they can see the life cycle from bloom to leaves changing colors in the fall. Another great plant that works well to honor little ones is: a pussy willow. It is a great symbol of the darling child-like joy in the spring. If you don’t have a yard you can also use a large house plant to grow and nurture as a remembrance. There actually is a houseplant called: babies’ tears. It has very small leaves on a vining plant and can be a beautiful gift for a family after a perinatal loss.
- An engraved frame to hold a snapshot of the baby or of the ultrasound
- Create a Keepsake Box: If your hospital did not have Teddy’s Bear as a memorial option you can still honor your child’s memories
- Creating cuddly lovies
- There are now amazing patterns that allow you to sew (or have someone make it for you) a teddy bear out of an infant’s footie pajamas or hospital blanket. You can even order some made that are embroidered with the child’s name.
- A shadow box of memories
- This can be a place to bring together all of your memomentos and honor your child’s life. Things to include are similar to the keepsake box above but also can include
- Hand and foot prints(if the hospital staff was able to get you a copy)
- Dried flowers from the funeral or memorial service
- Ultrasound pictures
- This can be a place to bring together all of your memomentos and honor your child’s life. Things to include are similar to the keepsake box above but also can include
Honoring the infant’s life throughout the community
- Some local parks allow you to purchase a bench that you can put a plaque on with your baby’s name. This can be a wonderful, healing way to have a place to share with your other children without always going to the cemetery. A bench close to a playground can be a perfect match.
- Many nonprofits have naming opportunities. If your family loves to go to the zoo. Call and ask if they have a brick that can be carved with your baby’s name. Then when you take your other children for a fun visit, you can have a scavenger hunt to find his/her special brick, and the baby becomes part of joyful family memories.
- If you have a children’s museum close by, this can also be a fun way to find a small naming opportunity that becomes part of your fun visits.
- Go to the store with your children and purchase some baby toys or gifts and donate them to the local family homeless shelter or to local foster families.
Some meaningful activities to do with family and siblings
- A butterfly release in honor of your child’s journey and all of the lives they touched in their short time on earth.
- Balloon release
Get a tattoo
- This is a heartfelt permanent way to carry your child’s love with you always. I have seen some amazing and inspirational options
- Little angels wings
- Little footprint
- Their name and birthdate “forever in my heart”
- Anything that is meaningful to you works perfect!